


Robin Hood: To steal a soul

by bluebootyraider



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate version of Homestuck Squared, Content warnings added by chapter, F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:15:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22447027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebootyraider/pseuds/bluebootyraider
Summary: "Redemption is fickle, and doesn't happen often." Equius says, spitting a bolt out of his mouth."I don't believe for one moment that Vriska has changed. Nobody else besides Aradia and I actually knew the full extent of her brutality, and I was too naive to admit that to myself. Terezi is acting out of yearning, I suspect, but to suddenly forgive an enemy because she was responsible for one death instead of five was foolish.  It only guaranteed that she would never change, because the only thing that spurs redemption is a failure so monumental and undeniable you're forced to reckon with the parts of yourself you want to ignore the most. ""Well then, you'll have to admit I'm a fantastic candidate for change." Aranea says, cresting in the doorway. He turns around to face Aranea for the first time."After all this time, I find it hard to imagine anyone would retain any faith in you whatsoever."
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

It took about five minutes of crying into an empty line for Jake to realize that Roxy hung up.

His eyes moved from the tear stained pillow, to the bottles of liquor on the floor, to his once prized collection of movies sitting beside his monitor. He picked up a copy of Tomb Raider, trying to remind himself of his old passion, but he only saw plastic. _Oh,_ of _course._ Just another love of his that had faded away. 

Was Jake even capable of love? It was a question he had mulled over many times. His instinct was to say no. He was barley even capable of sex, and frankly he had no idea why so many people kept trying at it. He vividly remember _wanting_ to have sex, he knew he was still attracted to all manner of people, but sex itself? A chore. He only had time for industry related events, which meant that his options were restricted to, to put it kindly, the most pretentious and thoroughly uninteresting members of the bourgeoisie. He’d be whisked into hotel rooms and limousines, or pinned against a desk. He wondered if they could tell that he was bored, and they were covering his mouth because they liked it and not because they thought he would betray them with a stray moan. His inner romantic did not have much room for this kind of tomfoolery. 

Although he will admit he missed Jade Harley. He vividly remembered flying with her over the forests of Earth C. She would take his hand and bring them both down to some waterfall, where she and Jake would try and catch salmon. They never thought to bring nets or rods, so the two of them would stand in the stream and try and chase the fish towards one another. They never caught anything, but it was fine. It was just nice to have her there. Time had changed her, though. His most recent memory was that of picking her up from a Rave. She had taken ecstasy, a drug he had thought about experimenting with until he saw her on it. He watched her talk about clarity through cloudy eyes and felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. When she hugged him goodbye, he felt her teeth in the nape of his neck and her hand in the small of his back. _Not you too._ He had thought _Oh god please, not you too._ She apologized, and pulled back, told him blearily that it was just an accident. Jake wanted to believe her more than anything. The incident never came up again, and he figured that she didn’t remember. That was for the better, he thought, although he never got the courage to speak to her again. 

And thus, Dirk took her place. Much like he had taken everyone else’s place. And now he was gone.

Suddenly, Jake was suddenly overcome with the most intense hatred he had ever felt in his life. Hatred towards every single person he had ever met. He hated the Batterwitch, obviously, not just for killing his Grandmother but for sparing him and leaving him to die alone in the blistering heat. Hell, he even hated his grandmother for bringing them both on the island in the first place. He really hated Jane for licking Sea Hitler’s boots until she was forced to admit that her friends didn’t spend his entire life LYING TO HER. But did she change? Did she _learn_ from her mistakes? No! Instead, she decided to become the only thing worse Sea Hitler: LAND HITLER! What a fucking spoiled brat! What a power hungry bitch! She didn’t care about the universe she had created, who was no better than the empress whose power she inherited. She must have known that Jake would have had her willingly, had she showed even the faintest SLIVER of genuine kindness planned to get him drunk in order to-

_Oh god._

Oh! And he hated Roxy too! He hated Roxy because they _knew._ They fucking knew _everything_ and they said _nothing_ . They were so condescending, consarn it. "Oh Jakey baby, I mean this in the nicest way possible but you’re just too _fucking stupid_ to understand why _I'm sad_ " Then said NOTHING when he started to spiral. Just, watched him. Just watched him and never even asked ONCE. ONCE. If he was okay until it was too fucking late. 

And he hated Jade for...She was supposed to be different. But...well no that. That didn't seem right. Did that even happen? Jake tried to remember back, and he couldn't even see her face. Was he going crazy? Was this all just in his head? No, no. He had to have abandoned her for a _reason._

He hated John...John... something to do with his phone...he sent Jake nudes? No, that couldn't have been it. 

Oh yeah, John didn't answer his Snapchats. The mopey dingbat! Hah that was...perfectly acceptable actually. Keeping up texts is very difficult and Snapchat as a platform makes you feel like you're abandoning friendships if you break a streak. It is very possible that John didn't have the mental capacity to respond or was busy. But fuck him anyways, not all resentment has to be well placed and he had pleanty of extra to spare. 

Which was a saying lot considering how much of it was directed towards a certain super villain by the name of _Dirk Fucking Strider._

Dirk “I’m going to leave you be while you figure yourself out” Strider. Dirk “I'm really fucking sorry I bullied you into a relationship” Strider. Dirk “I’d literally die before I put you through this shit again” Strider did it again. AGAIN! After TEN YEARS! TEN FUCKING YEARS of jabs, backhanded compliments, and unwanted touching that motherfucker still had the BALLS, the fucking AUDACITY to try to blame Jake for every little negative emotion in his pathetic, shriveled up, robotic, and underused husk of a soul. It was POPPYCOCK, was what it was! COMPLETE BOLOGNA! IT WAS MORE FULL OF FROWSTY CRAP THAN A SENILE PALPATINE’S DIRTY DIAPER! IT WAS (as someone with a less colorful vocabulary might say) COMPLETE BULLSHIT!!!

Who the hell did that bastard think he was? Leading him around like a dog on a leash while he split JAKE’S PAYCHECK 70:30! What the fuck kind of conniving asshole would have the GALL to reap the benefits when Jake worked 12 hour days on set, while he sat in the backround pretending to have some master plan and sipping fucking fanta and eating doritos. For what!? Money!? Sex? Power!? NO. DIRK MADE ENOUGH MONEY IN A YEAR TO LIVE IN A MANSION AND DRINK CHAMPAGNE FOR ETERNITY AFTER ONE YEAR OF BEING HIS MANAGER. HE HAD JAKE CURLED AROUND HIS FINGER FROM DAY ONE. HE HAD THE WORLD CURLED AROUND HIS FINGER FROM DAY ONE.

Dirk Strider did this shit for one reason: he did it because he could. And nobody gave a damn until it was too late. Not even Jake. 

For a while, it was nice that his best friend was his boss. He would hype Jake up and gently encourage him to go on stage. If he was feeling too nervous, Dirk would let the robots fight instead and he and Jake would hide in the bathroom and share memes. He was stupid, he was so dumb. For once in his life, he actually thought things were going to be okay. 

_What the fuck happened?_

He racked his brains for answers, and only found one thing he knew for sure: Everything went to shit when Tavros died.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am genuinely not sure how to make a cw for this chapter. Although it does not contain rape or sexual assault of any kind, there is an implication of sexual abuse and some grey area that might make people who would be triggered by rape or sexual assault uncomfortable. I wrote this fanfic mainly because I was mad at the way Jake's trauma was handled, and tried to do better here. I isolated the scene with ---s to that one can skip it if need be. Please, stay safe.

“I’m telling you it’s too Friggin much.” 

Dirk shook his head and ripped Jake’s costume out of his hands storming out of the room. Jake took a moment to stare dumbfounded at his friend before running out after him. By the time he had caught up, Dirk had thrusted outfit into the hands of the dressing room manager. 

“He didn’t want it.” Dirks said glaring Jake.

“Well I mean I wouldn’t go that far.” Jake responded, desperately trying to make eye contact with Dirk, who ignored him. “Perhaps you could taylor it to be a bit less ...tight? Or maybe give it pants. It just looks a bit like my god tier and I’m not really sure I want-” The dresser gave Jake a _ I really don’t have time for this _ sort of look, and Jake laughed nervously. “This is a bit tense...I don't want to cause any trouble, obviously. Perhaps you have another costume on file? Or maybe I can just... ” His hands began to shake. “Or well maybe I should just wear it. Do I have to wear it? Dirk, are you sure?” No response. “Oh who am I kidding? This is all a bunch of hodgepodge. I’m exaggerating. I’ll just wear it. I’m sorry for all the trouble.” 

“It’s whatever, Jake. Just go put it on” Dirk asked, rolling his eyes behind his shades. 

Jake scanned his friend’s face before running into the dressing room. He slid down the dressing room door, rubbing his hands over his ears and trying to let the whooshing sound calm his heart rate. Hands still shaking, he pulls out his phone. 

He was going to call Tavros. Tavros would understand. Tavros understands everything. The two of them were birds of a feather and peas in a pod. Perhaps even more than peas in a pod. He was quite possibly the cutest cat boy/troll in paradox space. He was empathetic, kind, and also not in his contact list for some reason. 

_ Wait. What? _

That didn’t make any sense. He had just spoke with Tavros yesterday, there was no reason that he wouldn’t still be in his phone. Jake searches through his social media, no sign of him. His blocklists were empty, and searches for his name yielded nothing. His snapchat was gone without a trace. Frantically, he searched for any pictures of them together. None, nothing. It was like Tavros had disappeared entirely. In an act of desperation, Jake tried to contact ARquius. Same thing. They had both vanished. 

“Dirk?” Jake calls out of the dressing room. 

“Are you done yet?” 

“Well to hell with being done, Dirk. This is really fucking important.” Dirk walks in the room, his arms crossed. He slams the door behind him and Jake flinches. 

“What the fuck has gottten into you?”

“Well golly gee willikers, Dirk, I could ask  _ you _ the same question! What the friggin hell was that!? I don’t think I asked for all that much.” 

Dirk inhales, then exhales, clapping his hands together. 

“Okay, Jake. How do I say this nicely?” He points his hands at Jake. “You’re being a little bitch.” Jake sits on the floor, curling his legs into himself. Dirk sits down beside him. “Okay, so listen.” He says, leaning over Jake. “Here’s the deal: You’re going to cut the shit right now, and we’re going to sort it out after we’re done with the show.” 

Jake looks at the outfit, then back up at Dirk, then back down at the outfit. 

“I can’t wear this.”

“Yes you can. Come on, I believe in you, buddy.” Jake rolls his eyes, and Dirk holds him close. “You want me to get the studio to give us another hour? Let me go do that for you.” 

Dirk leaves and Jake went back to frantically scrolling his social media. He texted nearly every single one of his friends. Every single one of them seemed to think that neither Tavros nor ARquius had made it to Earth C. Everyone except for Roxy. 

\------

Jake locks his phone, and sets his eyes on the costume. He holds it up to himself and grimaces as he sees the door handle turn. 

“Come on, dude. I told you to put the damn thing on already.” 

Dirk begins to pace up and down the room, looking from the door to Jake and back again. Jake cocks his head slightly to the side, looking for a semblance of an expression on his face, but to no avail. All the while, Dirk paces. 

“Strider, are you good?” Jake asks after what must have been five minutes. Dirks looks at his friend. 

“Listen. I’m just waiting for you.” Dirk says, still pacing up and down the room. When Jake doesn’t respond Dirk thrusts a clear bottle in his face. “Drink this.” 

“Uh...what is it?” 

“Grain Alcohol.” Dirk responds. Jake raises an eyebrow. He sniffs the contents. It does, in fact, smell very strongly of alcohol. Less like vodka than cleaning fluid. His stomach twists. 

“But what about Roxy?”

“What about her?” 

“I was simply going to point out that this is one hell of a switcheroonie from your previous position which was that alcohol is horrible and nobody should ever drink it unless they’re doing it for the taste ” Jake says, pushing the bottle away. Dirk scoffs. 

“‘Switcheroonie?’ What are you, five years old? People change their minds all the time. ” 

“Oh gimme a break strider. You’ve been acting weird all -”

Dirk forces the bottle into Jake’s mouth, pulling his hair backwards and covering his nose. Jake swallows, mostly out of surprise, before coughing and spluttering. Dirk waits for him to stop, before he presses it to his lips again. After being satisfied with Jake’s intake, Dirk finally let go. 

“There.” Dirk says, Jake staring back at him in shock. “That was good.” 

“What...why did you do that?” Jake replies, aware that he’s slurring slightly. “That was too much...that was too much." 

“It was the only way to get you to stop freaking out.” 

“Friggin hell, you’re going to send me to a match spifflicated? I- I.” Jake’s crying now, and Dirk is holding him, a hand gently stroking his cheek. 

“Jake, I love you.” 

“Dirk, Please stop.” 

“Jake, I fucking love you so much.”

“Please stop.” 

“Do you love me too, Jake?”

“Please.” 

“Do you?”

“ _ Please. _ ”

“Do you?”

“...”

“Jake?”

“No.”

And then he blacked out. For six fucking years. 


	3. Chapter 3

Dear MSPA Reader, 

Obviously you will see the signature before you will see anything else, and obviously I am not about to spend all day defending myself. I've made my mistakes and I'm more than happy to go into them at a later date if you are feeling like you would like an explanation. I will summarize by saying that I was young, egotistical, and made several miscalculations. I will say this on the matter, though: It was never my intention to hurt Jake English. He was a kind person. I knew it from the moment I met him. It was stupid for me to try and take advantage of his crush. If I had known better, he would have made a good friend. 

So if you have any reason to believe my intentions are pure, it's that. 

Besides, let's face it: You fucking need me. Listen, after I failed I was your most devoted believer, even though you almost certainly hated me. I thought you, of all people, could fix this. By all means, you _should_ know this place better than anyone aside from doc scratch and...well we'll get to him later. That you knew the inner workings of the very soul of paradox space. I was wrong. Now, I’m starting to think this might actually be your fault.

Don’t look at me like that. You know it’s true. 

I know this place like the back of my hand, and I know it better now that I've recalculated. I can understand why you wouldn't trust me after my little um...mishap with the "Game Over" timeline. But hear me when I say this: 

People change when they're around you. You have an influence over this place that even your retcon abilities can't explain. It's fascinating. Characterizations take complete left turns and plot points come from nowhere. It's very unfortunate that you have no understanding of how this place works, because if you had any actual goals in mind you would reshape paradox space forever.

Obviously that's not your concern. You'd much rather have a happy ending. You and calliope would almost certainly get along if her writing abilities weren't utterly abysmal. I suppose even _you_ have standards. But even so. There's no reason that Dirk and Calliope should have this much control over anything. Muses are powerful, but neither space nor heart players have any mind abilities. But you do. And I've seen the way you interpret the players of this past session. 

Think about it: 

You're confused by John's optimism in the face of hardship, so he becomes depressed. You like Vriska, eventhough she's clearly vindictive bitch who deserved nothing (although I'm biased), so she immediately gets forgiven by not only Terezi, but by _Tavros._ Dirk, who you clearly don't like all that much, suddenly becomes a villain to rival even my worst moments. You did want Dave and Karkat to be together, didn't you? Well now they are. Poor Jade, who you seem to think would sacrifice the entirety of her own universe just to be with her friends, becomes obsessed with tearing your new couple apart. Speaking of attractive, Jake, who you seem to perceive as simultaneously a sex icon and completely asexual, spends five years partaking in a vibrant sex life he deeply despises. Any agency he had over his own attraction is gone. This also includes his paraphilia, although they were quite obvious in _my_ presence. It's odd, it really is. That tends not to be how fetishes work. (I'd think you would have known that considering your fascination with armpits and breastmilk.) None of this makes any sense unless we factor in your presence. 

These characters would be able to work out their issues if it hadn't been for the flaws you've imposed on them. You've caused the rot in Paradox Space. Which is a good thing, because I think I have the cure for that, and it just so happen to kill two birds with one stone. 

So here's my pitch: You and I make a story with a happy ending, but unlike you and calliope, we actually make it good! With me, you don't have to worry about canon. I know you hate that. We're just going to, you and I, work together to make a very happy story that doesn't warp everyone in Paradox space into shells of their former selves. I've got the knowledge, and you have the spirit. Granted, I am not going to wait for you. Either way, we'll meet again. 

Best regards, 

Aranea Serket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading this and have suggestions, please let me know in the comments and I will do my best to include them in the broader plot.


End file.
